Hoping that length is more important than girth since 1818
Chile already took over part of Antarctica and no one stopped them. What’s next: Ohio? Once they get passed Cleveland, we’ll have to put an end to their aggression.
Other reasons to be scared:
Chile Is Shaped Like A Dementor’s Finger — If I learned anything from the train scene in Harry Potter 3, it’s that Dementor’s fingers are not good things. They’re crazy ugly and they make the room cold. I don’t like the cold and neither do most Americans. This is probably Chile’s plan—to make us chilly. Unscrupulous bastards.
They Have Patagonia (aka Pata-gucci) — This is their long-term approach to global domination. Slowly take over the world by tricking people into paying too much for outdoor apparel.
No Easter On The Island — Chile own’s Easter Island, the most deceptively named island of all.
Truffula Trouble — Chile has Dr. Seuss's truffula trees. As we all know, Dr. Seuss was a diabolical underground arms dealer. Don’t believe me? Have you read the Butter Battle Book? It’s nothing but a litany of terrifying WMD’s: the Tough-Tufted Prickly Snick-Berry Switch, the Eight-Nozzled Elephant-Toted Boom Blitz, the Bitsy Big-Boy Boomeroo. I mean if Chile has truffula trees why not these horrific weapons?
Home to Valparaiso — Valparaiso busted my March Madness bracket in 1998. I haven’t trusted them since.