Russia: Because Vodka’s Not Going To Drink Itself
Russia is the size of Pluto. That’s right, it’s the size of a motherfuckin’ planet. Or rather, it was the size of a motherfucking planet. Now it’s merely the size of a planetoid, which is not nearly as impressive. Needless to say, Russia did not take kindly to Neil deGrasse Tyson’s decision to remove Pluto’s planethood. When they found out that Tyson was an American, Russia said, “We might have to reheat that cold war.”
Other reasons to be leery:
Mascot Massacre — When asked to design a Summer Olympic mascot Russia came up with an adorable bear that was loved and embraced by the entire world. The United States responded to the same challenge by designing a frozen, drug-addled sperm with an irritable bowel full of stars. Advantage Russia.
I Know Where The Problem STEMs From — It’s Russia’s fault that the United States’ sucks at Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math. They knew exactly what they were doing when they came up with Tetris. I suspect that they might have even been in cahoots with Texas Instruments. I mean that’s the sole reason I went with the TI-89 over the Casio. What high school kid is going to choose quadratic equations over a four-row clear with an “I” piece? Certainly not this guy. I think I passed Pre-calc on the third try because Mr. Johnson was sick of me. I mean thanks to Tetris, I certainly didn’t know how to do any Pre-calc. And whose fault is that? Russia’s obviously. Way to play the long game, comrades. With an entire generation of kids unable to do math, the United States’ downfall is imminent.
My wife and I got together because I had to borrow her graphing calculator. It was a Te-tryst. Hahahaha. Take that ,Russia, your game made me dumber but it also got me laid. Eighteen-year-old C. McGee would take that trade every day of the week… for that matter so would thirty-two-year-old C. McGee.
Putin Puts His Putz In Butts — Putin made it illegal to tell kids that gay people exist. This seems like an odd legislative choice for a homoerotic photography model. I’m not sure what his end game is here, but it can’t be good for the old U-S-of-A.
Space Dog — A Russian dog went to space. I have to give my American dog tablets to deter it from eating its own poo. Clearly, they’ve one-upped us in the K-9 department.
Pollution Supremacy — Lake Karachay is the most polluted body of water in the world. Responding to this news, Ohio's Cuyahoga river said, “You son of a bitch. What are you playing at?”
Braille Bills — Russia put Braille on their currency. Are we blind to what’s going on here? We should be eye-rate. The Russians are using their curren-see to win over the optically impaired. The U.S. blind population is destined to take us down for our country’s lack of vision. Oh, the eye-rony!
Friendly Foxes — Russians have managed to domesticate foxes. Consequently, reclusive single Russian women have started collecting foxes rather than cats. Foxy ladies are way better than cat ladies. +1 Russia.
Water, I Mean Vodka — Russians drink a shit ton of Vodka—roughly 4.8 gallons per person annually. Needless to say, this has an impairing effect on their judgment. That’s okay when they are Olympic figure skating judges unfairly docking American skaters (I’m more of an ice dancing guy), but it’s not so good when they are KGB agents influencing global espionage. I like my enemy spies sober, it seems safer.