Grenada: Nada very nice
Reagan knew these guys were bad news. That’s why he put boots on the ground. Unfortunately, Bush Sr., Clinton, Bush Jr., and Obama all took their eyes off the ball. They let themselves get distracted by Iraq, Al Qaeda, ISIL and other minor mischief makers. Who knows what the Grenadians have been up to in the meantime. Maybe playing cricket, but probably building a thermonuclear weapon.
Here are few reasons why we should be leery:
- NO POMEGRANATES MEANS LOTS OF GRENADES — Normally I don't approve of any language except American, but, sometimes, in order to identify a threat, one has to branch out a bit linguistically. Such is the case here. As it turns out, Granada is the Spanish word for "pomegranate" as well as the Spanish word for "grenade." Logically then, the island must be producing at least one of these products. Upon further inspection I learned that Grenada's tropical climate is too toasty for pomegranates, which leaves only one conclusion: their growing grenades. Shit, their leaders probably go splashing around in a sea of grenades, like Scrooge McDuck and his gold. Only sweet baby Jesus knows what those crazy bastards are gonna do with that stockpile.
- GRENADIANS <3 NUTMEG, AND NUTMEG IS BASICALLY METH -- If you eat enough nutmeg you get high. (That's true btw. My cousin Dwayne tried it one 4th and he ended up hallucinating and puking all over his bass boat.) Nutmeg is Grenada's second biggest export. This means that Grenada is basically an entire country of drug dealers. Nancy Reagan taught me that all drug dealers want to declare war on the U.S., and since all Grenadians are drug dealers, Grenada must want to attack America. Fact. My reasoning here is impeccable, if you can't follow it then you're an idiot, which is exactly what the Grenadians want.
- DOVES = HAWKISH FOREIGN POLICY — Grenada's national bird is some sort of endangered dove. This was obviously a calculated choice; an attempt to distract the world, to draw attention away from the country's aggressive, hawkish maneuverings. Good try Grenada, I'm not falling for it.
- THEY HAVE UNDERWATER SCULPTURES — That's right, they have an entire park dedicated to underwater sculptures. Despicable. Above ground sculptures are bad enough, the preferred art form of communists and dendrophiliacs, then the Grenadian's go and kick it up a notch by putting them underwater. I can only speculate about their motives, but all my speculations are unsettling.
If I haven't convinced you that Grenada is an imminent threat by now, then I am never going to convince you, and that's very problematic. If we don't mobilize our forces soon all of America will end up in Grenadian gulags (which are basically the same as Soviet gulags but with calypso music). Not a fan of gulags? Then wake your ass up and take this threat seriously.