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  • About
  • Contact
  • Other Websites By C. McGee
  • Novels
  • The Current Menace
  • Countries
    • Argentina
    • Belarus
    • Belize
    • Bolivia
    • Canada
    • Chile
    • Côte d’Ivoire
    • Cuba
    • Djibouti
    • Egypt
    • Finland
    • FrenchGuyName
    • Georgia
    • Gibraltar
    • Grenada
    • Iceland
    • Italy
    • Mongolia
    • New Zealand
    • Portugal
    • South Korea
    • The Gambia
    • Tristan Da Cunha
    • Vatican City
    • Wales
  • About
  • Contact
  • Other Websites By C. McGee
  • Novels
THE DANGER ATLAS


​GEORGIA: Home Of The Peach, Neighbor To Russia, Danger To All

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This is Georgia’s capitol building. Designed by native Georgians Wayne Brady, Paula Dean, and Zurab Azmaiparashvili; it is a monstrosity.

​I was a tad confused when C. McGee gave me this assignment.  Georgia?  Why the fuck is Georgia a threat?  I thought, Vermont sure, California, of course, Portland absolutely, but Georgia?  Nah.  I just didn’t see it.  But hey, he’s the boss, so I didn’t question it. I just got to work.  I was roughly halfway done with the assignment when one of my co-workers said something about a border dispute between Georgia and Russia. 
“Oh, yeah,” I replied. “Scary stuff.  Obviously, my security report deals with that issue in a thorough fashion.”
“What the fuck is he talking about?” I thought.  “Since when does Russia border Georgia?” 
Then I figured it out: President Obama Bin Lyin’ probably sold Alabama to the Soviets.  I always knew he was a communist. 
​

Reasons to be wary:
Sex Toys Are Forbidden — Sex toys are against the law in Georgia.  No Adam & Eve stores for them. They all have to get their vibrators—I mean back massagers—from The Sharper Image or Hammacher Schlemmer, like they’re self-conscious housewives. Looking to save on shipping, they probably buy a ton of other shit from those stores as well: bartending robots, hot tub boats, ear hair trimmers, surface-to-air missiles, sarin gas etc. 
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I can’t remember, did I buy this massager for my friend Clint, or is it for someone else? (Did you spot the female genital reference in the previous sentence!? It’s like a Highlights magazine seek-and-find for dirty-minded adults.)

Birthplace of Stalin — Yup, that Stalin. He’s not a Russian, he’s a Georgian.  I always wondered why he was such a big SEC football fan.  Now I know.  I’m fairly certain that he sent Solzhenitsyn to the Gulag because he cheered for Tech.  As an ACC fan this makes me concerned.  
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“Death is the solution to all problems. No man - no problem... Go Dawgs!” Quote, Joseph Stalin, 1943

​Home of Homophobia —
Georgia does not like people of the same sex bumping uglies.  My main concern here is that if they take over the world they’ll cancel Modern Family.  I don’t know how I feel about guys banging sticks, but I do know how I feel about Sofia Vergara… also the cute blonde one that get’s overlooked because she’s on a show with Sofia Vergara. 
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I think that this protest is taking place in Georgia, but I can’t be sure, I don’t see a Chick-fil-A in the background.

​Also, Home of Hogzilla — I was surprised to learn that Hogzilla was from Georgia, especially because I had just learned that homophobia is from Georgia.  I mean if “Hogzilla” doesn’t sound like the name of a gay porno I don’t know what does.  Turns out, it’s actually the name of a 1,000 pound wild boar. I suspect this means that the Georgians are experimenting with genetic mutation, something like the mutts from the Hunger Games.  Goddamn, I wish those things had gotten Peeta.  So he can bake and do makeup, who gives a shit? Gale is the brother of Thor.  Thor, the god of mother-fuckin lightning!  Come-on Katniss, seriously, what were you thinking?   
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When I look at this picture of Hogzilla one thing comes to mind: Why jean shorts?
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Terminus The Other Name For Atlanta — Nice try, Georgians. I watch the Walking Dead, I know all about Terminus.  If you’re trying to lure me to my demise you should have named your death-trap/city after a location from a less popular show—maybe something with Craig Ferguson in it or anything on TNT.     
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You want to watch a post-Snow Dogs Cuba Gooding-Jr. play world-class neurosurgeon/political shill Ben Carson in a TNT original film? Suddenly, Terminus doesn’t sound that bad. I’ve always wondered what I taste like. I’m Irish so probably starchy and alcoholy.

In Georgia It’s Against The Law To Tie Giraffes To Telephone Poles — Of course I found this out after I bought my telephone-pole-mounted giraffe-feeder.  There’s no way Hammacher Schlemmer gives me a refund.  Last time I tried to return something they told me it was too sticky. 

All of these are actual Hammacher Schlemmer products. ​I suspect if you purchase any of them you will never get to have sex again. 
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