GEORGIA: Home Of The Peach, Neighbor To Russia, Danger To All
I was a tad confused when C. McGee gave me this assignment. Georgia? Why the fuck is Georgia a threat? I thought, Vermont sure, California, of course, Portland absolutely, but Georgia? Nah. I just didn’t see it. But hey, he’s the boss, so I didn’t question it. I just got to work. I was roughly halfway done with the assignment when one of my co-workers said something about a border dispute between Georgia and Russia.
“Oh, yeah,” I replied. “Scary stuff. Obviously, my security report deals with that issue in a thorough fashion.”
“What the fuck is he talking about?” I thought. “Since when does Russia border Georgia?”
Then I figured it out: President Obama Bin Lyin’ probably sold Alabama to the Soviets. I always knew he was a communist.
Reasons to be wary:
Sex Toys Are Forbidden — Sex toys are against the law in Georgia. No Adam & Eve stores for them. They all have to get their vibrators—I mean back massagers—from The Sharper Image or Hammacher Schlemmer, like they’re self-conscious housewives. Looking to save on shipping, they probably buy a ton of other shit from those stores as well: bartending robots, hot tub boats, ear hair trimmers, surface-to-air missiles, sarin gas etc.
Birthplace of Stalin — Yup, that Stalin. He’s not a Russian, he’s a Georgian. I always wondered why he was such a big SEC football fan. Now I know. I’m fairly certain that he sent Solzhenitsyn to the Gulag because he cheered for Tech. As an ACC fan this makes me concerned.
Home of Homophobia — Georgia does not like people of the same sex bumping uglies. My main concern here is that if they take over the world they’ll cancel Modern Family. I don’t know how I feel about guys banging sticks, but I do know how I feel about Sofia Vergara… also the cute blonde one that get’s overlooked because she’s on a show with Sofia Vergara.
Also, Home of Hogzilla — I was surprised to learn that Hogzilla was from Georgia, especially because I had just learned that homophobia is from Georgia. I mean if “Hogzilla” doesn’t sound like the name of a gay porno I don’t know what does. Turns out, it’s actually the name of a 1,000 pound wild boar. I suspect this means that the Georgians are experimenting with genetic mutation, something like the mutts from the Hunger Games. Goddamn, I wish those things had gotten Peeta. So he can bake and do makeup, who gives a shit? Gale is the brother of Thor. Thor, the god of mother-fuckin lightning! Come-on Katniss, seriously, what were you thinking?
Terminus The Other Name For Atlanta — Nice try, Georgians. I watch the Walking Dead, I know all about Terminus. If you’re trying to lure me to my demise you should have named your death-trap/city after a location from a less popular show—maybe something with Craig Ferguson in it or anything on TNT.
Terminus The Other Name For Atlanta — Nice try, Georgians. I watch the Walking Dead, I know all about Terminus. If you’re trying to lure me to my demise you should have named your death-trap/city after a location from a less popular show—maybe something with Craig Ferguson in it or anything on TNT.
In Georgia It’s Against The Law To Tie Giraffes To Telephone Poles — Of course I found this out after I bought my telephone-pole-mounted giraffe-feeder. There’s no way Hammacher Schlemmer gives me a refund. Last time I tried to return something they told me it was too sticky.
All of these are actual Hammacher Schlemmer products. I suspect if you purchase any of them you will never get to have sex again.